Andy Cohen gives his take on Hollywood's biggest night, and recounts a run-in with Madonna!

Oscar weekend in L.A. was a whirlwind of fun, but may I call bullshit on all the news reports about Hollywood being low-key and toning it down because of the recession? Didn't happen.  Excess and boobIEs and diamonds and a Candy Spelling-esque level of decorum were in effect. In the course of TWO parties over 18 hours we saw every famous person you might possibly imagine, way too many to list. How about I just tell you about the one-named peeps: Mariah, Madonna (and Jesus), Oprah, Paris, Calvin, Jake, Valentino, Penelope, Ricky (mmm- hmm), Ellen, and Demi.

I can't say anything about any of these parties because they were private and I don't care to be forever banished from Los Angeles.

OK I will say ONE thing, which is that at one point I wondered what Madonna was drinking; it looked cosmo-y although I am sure it was something very sophisticated like pomegranate juice with voddy and vermouth and a speared goat testes.

So at an apropos moment I asked her what she was drinking.

"Blood," she said.

And that is why we still love Madonna.

Saturday night we were at The Palm and spotted the Bob Newharts on a double date with the Don Rickles, and I mean what the hell is sweeter than that??

And maybe it's because they've been around so long and had an impact on me when I was younger, and perhaps because I'm a sentimental softie, but it's the older generation of Hollywood that I am usually most intrigued to see. So I am bemused by discussing Frozen River with Joanie Collins and hearing what Shirley MacLaine thinks of the buffet. Legends, people. Having gawked at everyone I could possibly see and exhausted every avenue of conversation, I split town yesterday morning to attend to some family business for a few days in St. Louis.  Which meant watching the actual telecast with me mum.

The gay and lesbian pre-show was free of stupid questions and awkward moments. Loved seeing Sir Tim navigate the biggest red carpet there is. And Jess Cagle was as loose and handsome and funny as ever. 

And as for the show, we all owe a THANK YOU to Bill Condon and Larry Mark, who switched up the game and produced a really fun Oscar show. I loved how it felt and the great range of presenters, fantastic writing, and intimate vibe. I listened to my mom and her friends' reactions as I simultaneously got texts and e-mails reflecting the jaded coastal POV. The midwest is more forgiving, let me put it that way.

My thoughts: Hugh Jackman's head of hair is amazing. Was Beyonce lip-synching? How do I go on a date with that blond dude who was handing out the trophies, and after Sean Penn's AMAZING speech changes everyone's mind, how do I MARRY him? I loved the range of actors and actresses who presented the acting awards, especially Goldie, Sophia, DeNiro.  And I equally enjoyed the parade of Bravolebrity endorsements, from Tom Colicchio's Diet Coke through Tim Gunn's Tide! I loved hearing Penelope Cruz and Kate Winslet thanking the late, very great Robert Garlock. Was it me or did the musical medley tribute to musicals and the opening number kinda really and truly stink? Was it Zzz watching the orchestra play those scores? Or was it me?
Even on Central time, I hit a wall around 10 p.m. You almost have to be on the west coast to watch an awards show, otherwise you plunge into some kind of depressing malaise-y awards hole. Sometime during the Bollywood Slumdog routine, I couldn't control myself and went on a rampage looking for my parents' cocaine stash and a needle. (Thankfully they'd binged through it the night before). One thing nobody seems to ever understand is that America can live without categories like Sound Mixing and Animated Short. I can't get that time back, folks!  Don't they do a Shmoscars ceremony, like the Shmemmies?

OK so that's done ...

I got some answers re: my entry on Friday about the goldfish called Andy Cohen that lives at Soapnet with the former Bravo kids. Apparently the fish is straight and likes girls with big boobs.  The Soapnet kids say they often find it "unpleasant" to have a straight Andy Cohen around. They say "It aint right" and suspect that the fish uses former Bravo salesdude Matt (the one on the right in the picture below)


as a wingman because Andy Cohen is a latent homo with a crush on said wingman. I think that Andy Cohen is DECEPTIVE and tries to RECRUIT people into his secret manloving universe. Ew. 

And in other news, Andy the Fish's fave Housewives are Jeana and the Countess. And his soap of choice is AMC. (And the more I hear the gayer this fish sounds.)

Want to reach Andy? E-mail him
Who's Andy? Read his bio


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