Assorted Christmas Chocolates

Assorted Christmas Chocolates

Andy Cohen spreads some holiday cheer.

MICHAEL JACKSON: it was reported yesterday by the venerable National Enquirer that the former King of Pop would be using Bravo's "Million Dollar Listing: Hollywood" to sell his Neverland Ranch. Sold!

If anyone is fit to produce the television spectacular of MJ's Neverland open house and could deliver Jackson a great deal on his not very kid-safe ranch, it is World of Wonder honchos Randy Barbato and Fenton Bailey.

MJ, they await your call to finish up the paperwork and assign you the Million Dollar Listing realtor that will best fit your needs. (I am thinking it's a toss-up between Dia and Madison Hildebrand.) Jackson's spokeslady, Miss Raymone K. Bain, put out a press release on the matter this morning (that lady will issue a press release to announce a press release) saying that Mr. Jackson ain't selling Neverland and that he has (unfortunately) no affiliation with Bravo. What she did not mention was that the source of the story was the National Enquirer. That being said, if it's written one place, people will just keep printing it, so I get it.

The blessing in all this is that I think I can FINALLY cross Ms. Bain off my Christmas list! She and her client are getting a DVD set of "Million Dollar Listing: Season 1." They are gonna love it!

Miss Raymone Bain and her press release cannot stop me from trying to visualize the open house and, specifically who would buy Neverland. I am thinking Dolly Parton could do something with the place. If Paul Reubens was still doing the Pee Wee thing he could create a live/work environment that would amortize costs beautifully. It could also be appropriate for pretty much any one of the Real Housewives of Orange County.

TAKE A MEMO: To the Salvation Army Lady ringing the bell eight stories below the Bravo offices at Rockefeller Center: YOUR VOICE SUCKS and we DO NOT want to hear your crap-assed KARAOKE MASSACRE of each and every one of our favorite Christmas tunes.

You are the one woman in all of ChristmasLand that actually makes Jessica Simpson sound like someone with talent. And, Ms Lady, there is an issue of which you are unaware. While Rockefeller Plaza is indeed a loveable East Coast Pop-Upped Dollywood Christmas Pageant moving at the speed of marmalade, people are very begrudgingly attempting to WORK in the buildings above and around your hysterical warbling.

Do you want to know where I am not dropping my hard-earned sheckles on my way out? In your rat-a-tat-tatting red bucket. Because of you, dear Aunt of William Hung, I am boycotting the Salvation Army. And don't you dare think of touching "All I Want For Christmas Is You." Just don't. That's all.

JUNKIE SANTAS! Here's another Rock Center Xmas nibbly to go along with the strep-throated sensation -- if you look closely, hidden amongst the jingles and jangles you can also find junkie Santas on their breaks smoking butts!

Check in the corridor that joins 50th and 51st Streets -- on the West Side just before Sharper Image! There they stand, facing the wall, smoking and at times talking on their cell phones. By the looks of the looks of 'em, they ain't checking in on Mrs. Claus. On my way to get a tea yesterday, I saw one without his beard, hair and hat; I then passed a little girl asking her mommy why Santa had real hair. It was a heartbreaker.

On their breaks, these part-time dreamweavers paint a rag-tag, down on their luck picture -- more Flatbush Ave than Miracle on 34th St. It is a sight and I always wish I had my camera. I can only assume that these Santas live by the credo spread by "The Jeffersons" loveable and cantankerous Florence (Marla Gibbs) Johnston, that everybody deserves some break-time! I heart Florence! And junkie Santas! And Marla! (I don't heart the Salvation Army.)

YOU TUBE: I have been sick for the past week essentially and have spent a ton of horizontal time fishing around non-pornographic websites on my Mac. There are some gifts besides Amy Sedaris that keep on givin', and at the top of that list is YouTube. I know that this is a given, but I have gotten so much pleasure from this site over the past week that I am re-marvelling at it's sheer existence.

I have watched, shared, and worshipped the "Diamond Fashion Show" from 1985's "Night of 100 Stars" -- featuring Lisa Hartman, Gloria Loring, Linder Evans, La Lucci, and a ton of other "superstars" wearing insane 80s fashion. I watched Lucille Ball on "Dinah!" describe each encounter and interaction she had with four Presidents and First Ladies. This is news I can use -- fascinating stuff! If I was with Lucy that's exactly what I'd want to know. I watched someone's home video of the St. Louis Cardinals World Series Parade. I saw Joan Rivers (hosting the Tonight show) interviewing Olivia Neutron Bomb and John Travolta. And Joan interviewing the Go-Gos. I saw (for the 30th time) Susan Lucci win her Emmy. I watched a ton of Diana Ross and if I continue to go on about what else I watched it will sound gayer than even I can handle.

The fact is that this is the stuff I used to save on VHS because I'd be scared I could never see it again. I have boxes of VHS tapes of the most random off-the-air stuff I recorded for my own personal TV museum. I thought it would be quite crafty to also see the original commercials that aired around the shows, too. Besides Lucci's Emmy win (one of the classic live TV moments ever), I don't think I've gone back and watched much of anything. How cool for all this stuff to be available to us all to see and enjoy. I love the Museum of TV and Radio, but when I am on my back with strep throat, I thank YouTube for keeping me company.

NIBLETS: Was anyone else horrified by the redesigned, updated BETTY AND VERONICA? Both look like they've had insane and unnecessary nose jobs! Surgeons, please keep your mitts off Ms. Veronica Lodge.... But don't stop asking our PRESIDENT what he thinks of Mary Cheney's pregnancy. There is nothing the guy can say on this issue that doesn't come out like the disaster it should.

At his press conference yesterday, he said, "this is a personal matter for the Vice President and his family. I strongly support their privacy on the issue, although there's nothing private when you happen to be the President or the Vice President. I recognize that."

Huh? And Whaaa? Maybe HE should go live at Neverland?.... I am loving the ROSIE v. TRUMP Xmas feud. She questions his role as the moral arbiter for 20-year-old Miss USA's and his response is to call her fat and say he's going to sue. Now that's funny!!

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