A Lake And A Lock In LA

A Lake And A Lock In LA

Andy Cohen shares his gym adventure.

I stopped by CBS Television City to say "hi" to Ricki Lake on Saturday. Ricki was there taping "Game Show Marathon" which will run on CBS later this year, featuring Ricki hosting a bunch of classic gamers like "Let's Make a Deal," "Card Sharks" and "Match Game."

Since I was required to sign a five million dollar confidentiality agreement on my way into the studio, there is little to nothing that I can say about the actual shoot or show.

I don't think I will get sued for saying that Ricki is taping in the studio next door to American Idol and that her dressing room is directly across from Simon Cowell's. I think it would be very problematic if I alleged that I saw a puddle of Vicodin and Xanax in front of Paula's dressing room, but I would be completely lying so I would never even report such a thing.

I do know that the lawyers won't bust me for saying that I absolutely pigged out at the craft service table. I never met a craft service table I didn't love!

I made four stops at the "Game Show Marathon" table where I made friends with several crew folk and two CBS pages, and ate salami, broccoli and dip, Cool Ranch Doritos, an apple, 2 hard-boiled egg whites, freshly baked cookies, cauliflower, pretzels, cold turkey and a handful of jolly ranchers. And I ate dark chocolate eggs in Ricki's dressing room.

I can't say anything about the actual show except that I love a classic game show and love seeing Ricki back on TV. Lake and I had dinner on Friday and I spent much of the evening forcing her to say the lingo associated with each of the game shows she was hosting ("We surveyed 100 people, top five answers on the board!") which I found endlessly entertaining. That lady is eternally game for anything, so she didn't mind.

Before dinner, I stopped by Equinox on Sunset Boulevard for a workout. I hadn't brought a lock with me across country and just planned to buy one at the in-house store. I was told by a Carrie-Anne Moss look-alike behind the counter that not only was the Equinox Fitness Store closed for an hour (?), but they don't sell locks to begin with.

What DO they sell? Fitness clothes, apparently. I pitched a teeny fit which took the form of lots of questions about what the attendant thought was the reasoning behind their not selling locks at that fitness store, and what other members of good standing do when they are in my situation. I told her that they sold locks at the Equinox stores in NYC (which might even be true) and that this represented a complete blunder in the Equinox LA infrastructure.

The Carrie-Anne Moss-like attendant was very blase about my situation, which added about four minutes of questioning to my routine because I wanted to punish her for not caring. She suggested that I change clothes and dump my belongings in the trunk of my car.

HA! Is THIS how I'm told to roll in LA, I wondered? I told her that was out of the question, that I had my Blackberry and there were needs and issues associated with it that that required being held in a locker.

I was not particularly making any sense and weakening my case but I was irritated. Another woman who seemed to kind of care appeared and told me that they sell locks across the way at a deli. I fought her too, bristling at the gruesome prospect of crossing Sunset Boulevard traffic on foot at rush hour. I went, though, fetched a sturdy lock with key, and was almost gloating as I walked past Carrie-Ann on my way to work out.

I had an awful workout. I was running on the treadmill but was incredibly distracted by Larry King Live, which was being guest-hosted by Kathie Lee Gifford. Kathie Lee did not disappoint me. She was insanity: wearing winter whites, spray-tanned, made up, lip-glossed to beat all hell, and capped with a Meg Ryan-meets-Lisa Rinna-meets-2002 hairdo.

The topic was stars sharing stories of sexual abuse and "Little House" star Alison ("Nellie Olson") Arngrim and Casper Van Dien were sharing their sad secrets. Is there a possibility of me getting in a good run while the world was flaming to a halt on the plasma in front of me? My attention was diverted at one point by a faint jingling sound at my feet. I'd tied my keys to my shoestring and they'd come loose. I paid no mind and decided I would deal with the keys momentarily after Kathie Lee was finished.

Is it any wonder that mid-cardio I got a stomachache and decided to force quit? I stepped off the machine and looked for my keys. They were nowhere to be found, of course. How is it possible that those keys could have flown off the treadmill into oblivion? They did. They were not under the machine or beside it or around it or anywhere. I knew that if I didn't find those keys I was going to have to ask Carrie-Ann Moss to get a lock-cutter to perform surgery on my new lock.

I got an attendant named Antonio to help me look. He was amazing. We searched for 10 or 15 minutes. The search took so long that even I began to lose interest and went to do sit-ups. When I returned he told me that they were somewhere inside the actual machine and that I would have to go tell Carrie-Ann Moss. I strolled up to the counter feeling completely emasculated and irritated. Carrie-Ann looked like she was filing her nails. She was still bored. I put on a brave face and gave her a big hello. Hilariously, she acted like she'd never seen me before. "Remember when I came in about an hour ago and pitched a fit about your not selling locks at the Equinox Store?" I reminded her. A flicker of recognition appeared on her face.

"Something just happened that makes you believe in karma," I chirped as I explained in detail what happened to my new lock. Halfway through the story a boy attendant appeared and was mesmerized by my tale of locks and sexual abuse and wizards and Kathie Lee. He gamely fetched his lock cutters as Carrie-Ann let me know through her paralyzed face that she really didn't care about karma or me or my lock or anything.

Boy Wonder cut the lock off with great fanfare in the locker room and I went to dinner with Ricki, who said: "You have to put that in your blog."

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